All these have been witnessed — a situation whereby a friend or family member is in an un-fulfilling, unfruitful or unhealthy marriage. One can't help but wonder: Why do they stay?
One hates seeing them suffer and the solution seems obvious and simple enough; just end the marriage.
But, ending a relationship is harder and more complex than one could ever imagine, especially when you've invested a lot into it.
Besides the more obvious reasons people give for not getting divorced, the ugly impart it could it could induced into the kids, the plight of being financially unable to support oneself, and the usual fear of change, here are five rarely discussed reasons why people keep trying to make a shattered relationship work ... or most invariably keep pretending that all is well:
1. They discovered that they hate their spouse, but not their lifestyle
Friends may think that the perks of the marriage, such as: a big house, a lot of wealth, mutual friends, co-parenting, financial security, etc, make up for the lack of harmony between the couple. No one but those involvedin the union can make that ultimate cost/benefit analysis.
What one may thing is unacceptable, other people think is no big deal. The best support you can offer is just honoring your friend's instinct to choose what works for him or her.
2. Their marriage gives their career ultimate benefit.
For an individual whose career benefits by being identified with their spouse, divorce is a less desirable option.
In the hit series, "The Good Wife", Alicia and Peter Florrick stay married and use each other for the sake of their careers. Alicia tells Peter he is free to have relationships with other women as long as it doesn’t impact their children or her job.
If your friend identifies self worth with his or her job title, that could explain why the marriage continues to move along.
3. Their personal values keep them stuck
Although we may not have the abilty to specifically identified them, some values influence our personal behaviors and emotions. If any of the following are primary values for your friend (loyalty to family, commitment), then choosing to divorce is more difficult.
Individuals who stay in a painful relationship because of personal values say such things as:
"I don’t believe in divorce" (faith and religion)
"I grew up as a child of divorce and swore I’d never get divorced so that my kids will not go through the same)
"I promised I would provide for my family" (commitment)
No one has the right to profer prioritized values for someone else. While you may not agree with or understand your friend’s hierarchy of value, you can support them best by helping them live true to whatever values are most important to them.
4. They're afraid of loneliness
We fear being alone because we are wired for connection. For some folks the fear of loneliness is so great that they would rather stay in a marriage devoid of love than risk quitting
The fear of loneliness can also drive some individuals to remain with partners who aren’t good for them or to stay in unhealthy marriages.
It is true that there are no guarantees your friend will find long-term love in their union again. However, one can design a fulfilling life as a single person if one is willing to put in the work to build and maintain a sustainable support network of friends and family.
5. They want to avoid social shame
Shame is toxic and negatively affects the way we see ourselves. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown defines shame as "... the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
If your friend believes that he or she is un-lovable or unworthy, filing for divorce can feel like preparing for the unknown" of judgment, telling the world "I failed" and "I’m not good enough." For some, staying in a painful relationship feels preferable to facing the shattering dilemma of shame.
The offering of empathy, compassion, and unconditional love will help pull a friend out of his or her shame.
most times the crappy reasons people give stay unfavorable relationships can unethical.
Understaning the vulnerability and real intent behind someone's choices to sticking to a union without love and understanding can go a long way to save most union from the menace.
Photo from freeDigitalphoto.net by David Castillo Dominici
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